Dreaming of You Tonight

last night I had a dream.

Started off like any other dream. I was at my Nana's place with A and C and a couple of other people. I knew I was waiting for someone, and when I heard someone come through the back door, I took off like a shot down the stairs to meet this person. I looked down the hallway as I was staring at this person walking through my Nana's back door, with a huge smile on my face. He looked up (talking on the cellphone) and smiled at me. I said (with my hands on my hips), "and where the hell have you been?" as i rushed into his arms. I hugged him for what felt like the longest time , and then we kissed and touched each others faces and just basically grinned goofily at each other.

I felt absolute joy in this dream. Like heartbreaking joy. I was so happy, and so sad at the same time. Cos I would never see this person in the flesh again. Or feel his skin against mine, or his lips against mine or anything else. It's been 6 years. You would think by now I would be over it. but just seeing letters that he had written to me, photos of us, or even just hearing 'our song' (yes we were one of those loser couples) makes me sad and nostalgic. and i wonder if i will ever be as happy again. if i will ever allow myself to feel something a fraction of what i felt with him. if i will ever meet someone that measures up to what i felt back then. It was a nice dream. it made me feel as if he is still watching over me, and knew that i was going through a rough patch and needed some reassurance. so it was good. it helped me get through another day knowing i have people watching over me. pure love.
Thanks for watching over me.

Shout! For my love!

What do you do when your partner and you are complete opposites?

I am a reader, he is a gamer. I like to eat (reasonably) healthy, he is a junk food addict. What I am really struggling with is our money habits clashing. I am generous with my money. Maybe it is a fault. I like to be able to treat my friends every once in a while, and to be able to go out and buy something for someone cos I want to thank them. And so it is. I like to be able to take my boy out for dinner or shout him to a movie. I make no noise about how much it costs, as it is my pleasure to do so. But the boy... whoo boy. An example recently is that I mentioned to the boy awhile ago that it would be a nice coupley thing to do to have a *date night* just so we can enjoy some time to ourselves. Thats cool, thats fine. So the boy and I go out for dinner. My first choice for dinner was full, so we chose to go to another place that i knew had good food. The boy had announced it was 'his shout' which I thought was very sweet, as I know it doesn't happen very often due to us both being short on cash. So we rocked up to this place. Got inside and ordered. He joked about not having enough cash for the dinner, and I was thinking how glad I was i bought my wallet. We had our dinner, talked a little, flirted a little, then decided to head home. All up, it cost about $60 bucks. I cringed, knowing how much he hates to spend money, but he paid it. But within 10 minutes of getting home he is complaining about how he only has $40 bucks to last the week. How is a girl supposed to feel? I felt gratitude that the boy paid for dinner, whereas surely, I should not have to feel this? I should be able to go out for dinner and not hear about how expensive this is going to be and how poor this is going to make him. If it is so expensive why the bleep do we even bother? It doesn't make me feel love towards him. and then to top it all off he jokingly says, oh you 'll be grateful for this later *sleazy look*

*sigh*

maybe i am just overreacting.

So, here it all begins. With one single blog post. The idea was so simple. Eat healthier, exercise more. So what is stopping me? Nothing. Just my plain-assed unwillingness to change. I have done it all before. I lost 20 kgs and damn i looked fine. But eating healthy gets to be a drag and I missed my lover, chocolate. So on piles the pounds, I get diagnosed with depression and I just don't see the point in doing it. Nothing will change, I still be the same loopy person on the inside, I will just be 20 kgs lighter. So in reality, I am scared to put this in motion again. The amount of compliments I got being smaller than I am was scary. I am not used to that. I am used to blending into the background, out of sight, out of mind. But I am sick of being the size I am. I want to look better, and feel better. I believe that I will be less vunerable to depression if I change my size and mindset. So here goes.