Ten things for 2010!

Ten things I wish to achieve in 2010

1. To become more awesome at Roller Derby
2. To attend the Blood and Thunder training camp (this helps abovementioned goal)
3. To get fitter and more hot!
4. To work on myself mentally (no more putting myself down)
5. To start saving so i can aupair overseas
6. Move outta home! (again!)
7. Learn to hula hoop (there are classes on this! woop!)
8.  Meet tons of new fabu people
9. Save? Did i mention you? Cos you are a big priority this year!!
10. Enjoy this year!

what do you do when a friend has been torn down unecessarily? i have this beautiful bright friend who has just finished her mastersafter 6 years of study who has been working at my work for about 6 months or more. She initiated a meeting with the head honcho of this workplace to see if she can work something out for the future - to be basically told that she wont get anywhere unless she goes back to school and study. got told to leave pretty much. she is upset. manager was really blunt and mean about the whole thing. i hate working here sometimes.

I have girl crushes, many many.

so, i went to the roller derby on saturday night. Oh. My. God. if i thought i wanted to do roller derby before, i am even more determined to do it now. the crashing! the excitement! the lovely 

lovely legs..... uhh... haha. i am in awe. Ginger tonyx. what a minx! haha. all the girls were just awe inspiring! and the ones i have met have been sooo nice! the best thing about saturday night is that i met some new people, and i am going out again on friday night with them! i feel happier than i have been in a long time and i can only hope and wish it gets better! watch this space... there may be a bad karma in me after all :D

ginger tonyx! *fangirl squeal*

the loverly miss savage! hee 

i used to go

to school with her, sweetest thing ever!

*these were all taken from ritcher city roller derby photostream on flickr!

I was looking for a job and then I found a job/ Heaven knows I’m miserable now’

I was looking for a job and then I found a job/ Heaven knows I’m miserable now’ 

Sometimes there are perks to my job. It is great to be able to "take the long way" to the toilet and oh! look, i can see the new books we have in processing! i can see the new dvds and cds before they are accessioned, and put holds on things before they come out. i get free reserves and free rentals. and sometimes when they acquire surplus items or bonus items, they give them away to us minions on the ground floor.

so yeah, i guess i do get it good sometimes. just have to remember that in the times of bad. when the computers throw a fit and delete everything i have just written, when customers throw a wobbly because something should be there and it's not. when im trying my hardest to be positive and cheerful to customers and they don't even bother to acknowledge me except to throw their stuff at me. when all my peers are bitching and moaning, when i pour my heart and soul into something for it to fail. i have to remember the good things.

like when a customer is just so happy that you have found what they were looking for, when i get my 'regulars' coming in and i can have a goss, when work is going well and everyone is getting on, when i run my meetings and it all goes fantastically well, when i pick up something that is new and (surprise surprise) noone else wants it, when i feel like i am in control and appreciated.

So maybe most days (as you can see on this blog) i am a 'glass half empty' girl. but i do know when to thank my lucky stars that i have a job that mostly enjoy ....... (even if i would fire most of the staff:! ;)

id like to punch the whole world in the face... and smile maniacally as i doooo......

one more day of work. i don't want to go? i feel like an outcast at work. like there are cliques at work and i am just the disapproving outsider. and i get the urge yet again to punch them all in the face. yesterday a lady returned (all on one card) 145 books through the returns slot and i just wanted to cry. then punch this lady in the face. why i am i feeling so aggressive all the time? what is the point? why do i feel like crying and just staying in bed and not facing the world. i want to gym it today but already i have wasted too much time on here to go. 

i feel like a need a break. i need to get away. the boy leaves in 2 weeks.. i dont know how i feel about that yet. i have not thought about it too hard, and between us it has been really good, not fighting as much,  feeling happy and content with him. so meh.

oh and happy late halloween. how i wish we celebrated it more sometimes. an excuse to dress up and eat lollies? tell me more!

Do you like to hurt? I do, I do. Then hurt me, Then hurt me, Then hurt me...

I'm feeling ... off today. I went to fill a prescription today and they would not give it to me, said I had already got some a week ago. I didn't. I rang up. I did not come in to receive my prescription. Fuckers. So as I was walking out of the chemist, my eyes started welling up. In the frigging mall. I wanted to bawl my eyes out. So i walked back to the car and gave the catdog a hug, letting my tears soak into her coat. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me. I was watching one of those stupid videos that have all the newscasters stuffing up in some way, and i laughed so hard, I started to cry, then I could not stop crying. It is probably the time of the year, otherwise my depression is just getting worse. I dont want to be reliant on these drugs anymore. They don't work. They are not making me feel any better. And I am angry all the time, and stressed and I just dont want to be here anymore, and I am not turning up to work. I wanna cry and punch everyone out at the same time.

Rant over. Scared you yet?

love of mine, someday you will die, ill be close behind, ill follow you into the dark..

a long time ago, i loved a boy. and he loved me. it was the first ever serious relationship i had had, and it was the same for him. i loved him truly madly deeply, could see myself marrying him, could not see my life without him. but, there was an age gap and it got too much. i could not do the things he could, and it was no fun for either. so we broke up. it destroyed me. i felt like there was something wrong with me, that it was me that was the problem (didn't help that he cheated on me either) and so i wanted to be somebody, anybody else. i met the girl that he cheated on me with, and thought this must be what he wants. so i started acting like her. but when he saw what i was like, he didn't like it because he didn't want me to be like her. so i was confused. if he didn't want me, and he didn't want her, what does a messed up girl do?


eventually i tried to move on. thinking that if it was meant to be, it would happen, if not so it would be. we still met up and hung out and enjoyed each other's company as friends and more ( cos you never lose that intimacy and slip into old routines ) hugging for longer than friends should...
anyway, i always thought we would eventually get back together, because our chemistry and relationship was pretty awesome. and i do believe we would have because with hindsight, i have yet to find a relationship or a boy that i felt so strongly about. unfortunately, he died, and along with that, any hopes, dreams and unfinished business died with him. 6 years have gone by and many relationships have been started and ended and i look at photos of me and him and am filled with such longing and sadness. how naive i was, how helplessly i fell, and how i feel that it was a once in a lifetime thing, and i will be forever comparing future relationships to how happy i was with him. people comment, when they see pictures, that they haven't seen me that happy in a long time. what can i say? i grew up. had my heart broken, and then had it broken again, in something that was beyond repair for a long time. like i said, 6 years. and i still don't understand why he had to die. it is pointless and beyond baffling that they would let someone who was as loved as him die. when it would destroy so many lives. shit happens i guess. I still wonder, and dream, and smile when i think about him, but its a happy smile these days, as i feel blessed to have been loved by this boy for the short time he was here on this earth. and i was obviously meant to meet him and fall in love so young because he died so young. so i am grateful and fortunate to have loved and lost this boy, and he will always be my first, and always be a place in my heart and dreams for him.

Dreaming of You Tonight

last night I had a dream.

Started off like any other dream. I was at my Nana's place with A and C and a couple of other people. I knew I was waiting for someone, and when I heard someone come through the back door, I took off like a shot down the stairs to meet this person. I looked down the hallway as I was staring at this person walking through my Nana's back door, with a huge smile on my face. He looked up (talking on the cellphone) and smiled at me. I said (with my hands on my hips), "and where the hell have you been?" as i rushed into his arms. I hugged him for what felt like the longest time , and then we kissed and touched each others faces and just basically grinned goofily at each other.

I felt absolute joy in this dream. Like heartbreaking joy. I was so happy, and so sad at the same time. Cos I would never see this person in the flesh again. Or feel his skin against mine, or his lips against mine or anything else. It's been 6 years. You would think by now I would be over it. but just seeing letters that he had written to me, photos of us, or even just hearing 'our song' (yes we were one of those loser couples) makes me sad and nostalgic. and i wonder if i will ever be as happy again. if i will ever allow myself to feel something a fraction of what i felt with him. if i will ever meet someone that measures up to what i felt back then. It was a nice dream. it made me feel as if he is still watching over me, and knew that i was going through a rough patch and needed some reassurance. so it was good. it helped me get through another day knowing i have people watching over me. pure love.
Thanks for watching over me.

Shout! For my love!

What do you do when your partner and you are complete opposites?

I am a reader, he is a gamer. I like to eat (reasonably) healthy, he is a junk food addict. What I am really struggling with is our money habits clashing. I am generous with my money. Maybe it is a fault. I like to be able to treat my friends every once in a while, and to be able to go out and buy something for someone cos I want to thank them. And so it is. I like to be able to take my boy out for dinner or shout him to a movie. I make no noise about how much it costs, as it is my pleasure to do so. But the boy... whoo boy. An example recently is that I mentioned to the boy awhile ago that it would be a nice coupley thing to do to have a *date night* just so we can enjoy some time to ourselves. Thats cool, thats fine. So the boy and I go out for dinner. My first choice for dinner was full, so we chose to go to another place that i knew had good food. The boy had announced it was 'his shout' which I thought was very sweet, as I know it doesn't happen very often due to us both being short on cash. So we rocked up to this place. Got inside and ordered. He joked about not having enough cash for the dinner, and I was thinking how glad I was i bought my wallet. We had our dinner, talked a little, flirted a little, then decided to head home. All up, it cost about $60 bucks. I cringed, knowing how much he hates to spend money, but he paid it. But within 10 minutes of getting home he is complaining about how he only has $40 bucks to last the week. How is a girl supposed to feel? I felt gratitude that the boy paid for dinner, whereas surely, I should not have to feel this? I should be able to go out for dinner and not hear about how expensive this is going to be and how poor this is going to make him. If it is so expensive why the bleep do we even bother? It doesn't make me feel love towards him. and then to top it all off he jokingly says, oh you 'll be grateful for this later *sleazy look*

*sigh*

maybe i am just overreacting.

So, here it all begins. With one single blog post. The idea was so simple. Eat healthier, exercise more. So what is stopping me? Nothing. Just my plain-assed unwillingness to change. I have done it all before. I lost 20 kgs and damn i looked fine. But eating healthy gets to be a drag and I missed my lover, chocolate. So on piles the pounds, I get diagnosed with depression and I just don't see the point in doing it. Nothing will change, I still be the same loopy person on the inside, I will just be 20 kgs lighter. So in reality, I am scared to put this in motion again. The amount of compliments I got being smaller than I am was scary. I am not used to that. I am used to blending into the background, out of sight, out of mind. But I am sick of being the size I am. I want to look better, and feel better. I believe that I will be less vunerable to depression if I change my size and mindset. So here goes.