I'm feeling ... off today. I went to fill a prescription today and they would not give it to me, said I had already got some a week ago. I didn't. I rang up. I did not come in to receive my prescription. Fuckers. So as I was walking out of the chemist, my eyes started welling up. In the frigging mall. I wanted to bawl my eyes out. So i walked back to the car and gave the catdog a hug, letting my tears soak into her coat. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me. I was watching one of those stupid videos that have all the newscasters stuffing up in some way, and i laughed so hard, I started to cry, then I could not stop crying. It is probably the time of the year, otherwise my depression is just getting worse. I dont want to be reliant on these drugs anymore. They don't work. They are not making me feel any better. And I am angry all the time, and stressed and I just dont want to be here anymore, and I am not turning up to work. I wanna cry and punch everyone out at the same time.
Rant over. Scared you yet?
Monday, September 28, 2009
Thursday, September 10, 2009
love of mine, someday you will die, ill be close behind, ill follow you into the dark..
a long time ago, i loved a boy. and he loved me. it was the first ever serious relationship i had had, and it was the same for him. i loved him truly madly deeply, could see myself marrying him, could not see my life without him. but, there was an age gap and it got too much. i could not do the things he could, and it was no fun for either. so we broke up. it destroyed me. i felt like there was something wrong with me, that it was me that was the problem (didn't help that he cheated on me either) and so i wanted to be somebody, anybody else. i met the girl that he cheated on me with, and thought this must be what he wants. so i started acting like her. but when he saw what i was like, he didn't like it because he didn't want me to be like her. so i was confused. if he didn't want me, and he didn't want her, what does a messed up girl do?
eventually i tried to move on. thinking that if it was meant to be, it would happen, if not so it would be. we still met up and hung out and enjoyed each other's company as friends and more ( cos you never lose that intimacy and slip into old routines ) hugging for longer than friends should...
anyway, i always thought we would eventually get back together, because our chemistry and relationship was pretty awesome. and i do believe we would have because with hindsight, i have yet to find a relationship or a boy that i felt so strongly about. unfortunately, he died, and along with that, any hopes, dreams and unfinished business died with him. 6 years have gone by and many relationships have been started and ended and i look at photos of me and him and am filled with such longing and sadness. how naive i was, how helplessly i fell, and how i feel that it was a once in a lifetime thing, and i will be forever comparing future relationships to how happy i was with him. people comment, when they see pictures, that they haven't seen me that happy in a long time. what can i say? i grew up. had my heart broken, and then had it broken again, in something that was beyond repair for a long time. like i said, 6 years. and i still don't understand why he had to die. it is pointless and beyond baffling that they would let someone who was as loved as him die. when it would destroy so many lives. shit happens i guess. I still wonder, and dream, and smile when i think about him, but its a happy smile these days, as i feel blessed to have been loved by this boy for the short time he was here on this earth. and i was obviously meant to meet him and fall in love so young because he died so young. so i am grateful and fortunate to have loved and lost this boy, and he will always be my first, and always be a place in my heart and dreams for him.
eventually i tried to move on. thinking that if it was meant to be, it would happen, if not so it would be. we still met up and hung out and enjoyed each other's company as friends and more ( cos you never lose that intimacy and slip into old routines ) hugging for longer than friends should...
anyway, i always thought we would eventually get back together, because our chemistry and relationship was pretty awesome. and i do believe we would have because with hindsight, i have yet to find a relationship or a boy that i felt so strongly about. unfortunately, he died, and along with that, any hopes, dreams and unfinished business died with him. 6 years have gone by and many relationships have been started and ended and i look at photos of me and him and am filled with such longing and sadness. how naive i was, how helplessly i fell, and how i feel that it was a once in a lifetime thing, and i will be forever comparing future relationships to how happy i was with him. people comment, when they see pictures, that they haven't seen me that happy in a long time. what can i say? i grew up. had my heart broken, and then had it broken again, in something that was beyond repair for a long time. like i said, 6 years. and i still don't understand why he had to die. it is pointless and beyond baffling that they would let someone who was as loved as him die. when it would destroy so many lives. shit happens i guess. I still wonder, and dream, and smile when i think about him, but its a happy smile these days, as i feel blessed to have been loved by this boy for the short time he was here on this earth. and i was obviously meant to meet him and fall in love so young because he died so young. so i am grateful and fortunate to have loved and lost this boy, and he will always be my first, and always be a place in my heart and dreams for him.
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